So SEC fans, ever wondered what’s the difference between you
during football season and you during the offseason? Besides hours and hours of
free time and a much healthier outlook on life?
Let’s do a quick run down.
Football-Season-You
is a lunatic.
What would your neighbor think if next Saturday you set up a
tent in your front yard, invited over a bunch of college buddies and started
drinking at 11 A.M. all because you were really excited about something that
was coming on TV at 2:30 in the afternoon?
Face it, Football-season-you is a lunatic.
Football-season-you may or may not start drinking at the same time Chick-Fil-A
stops serving breakfast. Football-season-you may or may not eat Chick-Fil-A
later that same afternoon while still drinking.
Football-season-you does all kinds of shit that, if judged
on its own merit, would have you committed to some sort of rehab/mental
institution. But it’s OK, because you’re standing under a tent. And thousands
of other people are doing the same thing.
It’s perfectly normal to be outside in muddy tennis shoes
right now eating finger food with some people you went to high school with.
Sure it is.
Why don’t you like that person you’ve never met? Because of
the t-shirt they’re wearing? Got it.
It’s 9:30 A.M. on a weekend, what else are you going to be
doing, drinking coffee in your comfortable slippers? Who likes to drink coffee
in their own slippers?
I’ll tell you who does, your better half: Offseason-you.
Football-season-you
has no concept of logical use.
Did you just walk through a slight drizzle lugging a heavy,
expensive electronic device from inside your house so you can use it outside
your own house? You’re goddam right you did. Why? So you can watch it outside
your house. Who wants to watch things inside their own house? No one.
It doesn’t have to make sense, it just has to make the
tailgate better.
In the name of football season, you’d drive your fucking car
sideways into your house and turn on the radio if some guy in a jersey said it might
make the tailgate better.
What other event would make you tempt the universe by radically
altering the intended use of things?
Seeing as how you’re leaving the house, wouldn’t it make
sense to buy cooked things? Fuck no, let’s cook our own things. I’ll bring my
grill and some uncooked things.
Is it really warm and comfortable in your den? Sure. It was
also really comfortable in your Mom’s womb, and you eventually left there. Why?
Because you knew you had to get dressed, sit in gameday traffic, find a place
to park, and tailgate for at least three hours before kickoff.
Again, making sense is not applicable here. If everything
had to make sense, football season would be fucked.
Besides football, what else do you like enough to move your
inside furniture outside for? Offseason-you knows better.
‘Oh, I love this
movie. Quick, let’s load the TV in the car and go watch it outdoors with a
bunch of people in raincoats.’
Not gonna happen.
Football-season-you
will spend $8 on a magazine that tells you the names of players you read about all
week at work.
About to walk into a family dinner? Quick here’s an $8
magazine that tells you the names of people you already know. Seem like a
rip-off? Don’t worry. For that same $8, you get pictures of your nephews in
sport coats mixed in with full-page advertisements for Bryan hot dogs.
Remember your Uncle Harold? The one the penchant for tall
tales, inappropriate jokes and stiff drinks? Well here’s a bio on him. It says
he has penchant for tall tales, inappropriate jokes and stiff drinks. Yippity
fucking do. How much you wanna bet if you walk into a Men’s restroom, it’ll
have a wall urinal?
Don’t worry, paying for dumb obvious shit you know better
than to pay for is a part of being a fan. Are you working your way up to owning
a 4th hat for anything else? What other hobby would you get so into
that you’d pay $10 a month just to read message board posts about said hobby? How
many polo shirts do you own that are embroidered with your favorite morning
show?
Hopefully, none. Because that would only take up drawer
space from that next official team polo that’s going to replace that shitty
official polo from last year that’s now officially unofficial.
Offseason-you will
never get too worked up to use your own furniture.
When’s the last time you stood up in your own living room
and paced around the living room because you were so nervous who was going to
get the last rose on The Bachelor?
Did you pay $1,100 for that love seat? Yes. Why? Because
your wife liked it. When did you buy it? That time your wife liked it. When are
you going to use it? Not right now because it’s 3rd-and-11 and our
O-line has been getting beat by their pass rush all fucking day.
What are you going to do, sit down in your own house? Hell
no. There’s 2:00 left in the game. Only a crazy person could utilize their own
furniture at a time like this. You’re going to do what normal people do. You’re
going to stand up and pace around like Billy Bibbit in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.
Sure, to an outsider, it might look like you invited over a
bunch of 1929 stockbrokers for a social hour. Who gives a shit about outsiders?
What do they know about how this one play is the Most Important Play That Ever Happened since the Last Most Important Play That Ever Happened?
