Hello. It’s me Herschel Walker and me Herschel Walker.
By now surely you have heard that Manti T’eo had a fake girlfriend who tragically didn’t die tragically. You’ve also probably heard that I have multiple personality disorder. No I don’t!
Anyway, I’m here to tell you that if there’s one thing I know – what the fuck are you talking about – it’s that some things just aren’t real. Manti T’eo had a fake girlfriend who died? Let me tell you, this is no laughing matter, hahahahaha.
My good buddy Smershel Faulkner once faked his own death by non-fatally killing himself in an imaginary skiing accident on the plains of west Arkansas. He also took out seven other sasquatches who were in town on business. They all died. And in the end, everyone was OK. Thank God. Who?
So just because a tragedy isn’t real doesn’t make it any less real. And you can believe that. Because all of it is bullshit.
Hey, when you think about it, how many things in your life are really real? Do you ever talk to your friends from high school anymore in real life? I don’t. Most of my friends from high school are me anyway.
But I bet you don’t actually talk to them. Hello? I bet all you do is text them shit like I do. I once texted me to remember to go by the grocery store when I was on vacation with myself, where the fuck are my bananas?
Have I had fake girlfriends? You bet. How much? But luckily, all of them are still alive, rest in peace. I once dated a fake girl for an entire Leap Year. She was nice and would do everything I say, but we fought too much. One night she didn’t do something that was the last straw, so we got back together. And that was it.
Then I met the love of my life. I’ll never forget her name here in a minute.
Here is a picture of her:
We met at a party I never went to at Paul Bunyan’s nephew’s house Craig Bunyan. We partied all night. She was beautiful, the ugly bitch. And let me tell you, Craig Bunyan knows how to throw a party. The real magic happened late night at about 3:60 F.M. Who could forget it? Me. His unicorn was having engine trouble, so we were stranded there on our way to the nightclub. Once we got there, we danced all night, right there on the dance floor, by myself.
And that moment was real, or my name isn’t Herschel Walker and Herschel Walker and Herschel Walker.
P.S. One time when I was doing push-ups, it turned out I was actually doing sit-ups. So that’s my point. I’m so confused. Exactly.